My Journey to Apostasy

So, some of my friends are really aware I'm not Christian, but I don't really talk about why. I may as well share. I have often joked I went to Villanova to cope with my Southern Baptist upbringing. Now, my family didn't directly teach me the stuff I had to unlearn; church and sunday school did that. But a few instances stand out for why I left the church. In no particular order, they are:

An Easter sermon in 97 or 98. The pastor was giving the usual message when he told the congregation, "Mohammed isn't risen from the dead! Buddha isn't risen from the dead!" Technically, he is correct because neither religion teaches they are. Mohammed ascended to heaven directly; Buddha broke the cycle of reincarnation. But the dishonest to refute claims not made by the religions so attacked sat wrong with me long before I knew about intellectual dishonesty.

I grew up hearing how divorce leads to both parties being adulterers the rest of their lives, even if they remarry. I then found myself in a divorce and carrying the guilt of knowing I condemned both of us to sinful lives no matter what else happens. It was a lot to carry, too much, in fact, for my rigid faith.

At Cherry Point, in 99 or 00, I went to a Baptist church and sat through the call to repent while congregants left and right went to the pulpit to kneel. I had been saved and baptized around 11, so I didn't have to heed the call, but I had so much guilt I felt all eyes were on my, a stranger, for not heeding the call. I doubt anyone gave my a second thought, but again, the weight of that guilt was immense.

My second stint in comm school there was a super conservative guy in my class. He was so hateful and judgmental. His room in the barracks had a sign, "God hates fags." It was so outrageous that even in the Corps in 2001, he had to take it down. I also never saw a look of hate like i saw him give over another NCO's called cadence during a formation run.

Then there's the heaping of unhealthy theology I learned that needed Dr. Simpson and Villanova to unpack. granted, by Villanova, I knew my apostasy, but had a lot to come to terms with. By the time I could see Christianity wasn't just a haven for self-righteous judgment and hate, I had left the church long behind. I am friends with faithful now, but the church has no home for me.

At Villanova I put to rest a lot of issues; my only remaining gospel beef with Jesus is the teaching on divorce. His presentation in the Apocalypse of John is horrific revenge porn. Paul's letters are often problematic shitshows. The commandment to make disciples of all nations is hugely insulting to others. But what Jesus lived and died as is good; I just don't have the problem with sin Christians seem to.

I will never judge for cherry picking the Bible; it's impossible not to. I can justify damn near any position using that collection of texts, so can anyone else. But Villanova also taught me the metric for judging Biblical passages. The Greatest Commandment says, "Love God; love your neighbor." Matthew (IIRC, it could be Luke) adds, "Upon these the laws and the prophets hang." So a biblical passage teaching against love and kindness is neither law nor prophecy; it is a negative example, something to NOT do.

Jesus hung with sinners; tax collectors, fishers, and whores. He was a radical, revolutionary killed by the same attitude many of his followers now exemplify. If I do not worship him, I find his teachings largely worth living. In fact, as some theological friends and I have agrees, Jesus saying he is the way and the light isn't demanding worship; it calls to emulation, to live like him, caring for the poor and the downtrodden. Modern scribes, chief priests, and Pharisees do more trodding and little to no elevating or caring.

Just as I rolled my eyes at "Buddha isn't risen," I roll my eyes at "get right with God." I know what Jesus wants, and it isn't mindless prayer while mistreating the least of these. You may claim I am hedging by saying there is much to admire in his teaching, but I am apostate; I reject the church. Hell, until Francis, my favorite pope got into a "You're the Anti-Christ" shouting match with a Holy Roman Emperor and the runner up dug up his predecessor's corpse to put on trial. Make of this what you will, but I am closer to a godless communist (really a non-theist socialist), but Acts says the first Jewish communist wasn't Marx, but a carpenter's son.

Personal or Institutional?

So, I know my family isn't personally racist. Nobody even blinked when Octavio started gaming with us in high school. Gary spent numerous holidays with my family when we were stationed at Lejeune. I was raised to never act racist. I remember sitting next to Tim in elementary school plotting our wrestling magazine because we were both huge marks he was black, but it didn't matter to me.

But these riots aren't about a single white person dropping an n-bomb at someone. These riots are about systemic, centuries-long oppression. They are about the fact that every single time a black person dies, they are vilified and the officer excused. They are about the fact that educational and employment opportunities are not the same in a country built with "...all men are created equal..." The violence erupts because that anger has to go somewhere.

Instead we get "all lives matter" which ignores the fact that systemically, institutionally, lives of color do not matter. You can not be racist all you want, but when you uphold a racist society, you don't have to be on a personal level; the system does it for you.

I know politics are touchy, politics affect white people's wallets and feelings get hurt. That is white privilege; for others, it is about their lives not their livelihoods. So I ask, what is more disrespectful, kneeling during the anthem of a country with a violent history of racial oppression or kneeling on a man's neck until he dies.

I was raised to not be racist, but it's taken years to learn that the personal is political and inequality is how America operates. I was raised to be better than this, but it isn't easy; it means facing the fact that I can get pulled over and the worst I get is a big ticket. My friend, Irvin cannot do so without fearing he will die with a cop's knee in his back. Jeremy, a man I served with, has the same problem. It is worse for Irvin, his son is autistic; I know the man lives in dread that his son will fail to process a cop's commands properly and wind up dead.

My personal lack of racism doesn't do a goddamn thing in the face of what they live with. And guess what, they can't turn it off, they can't try not being black. It just doesn't work that way. I, if I chose, could get a haircut and pretend to be Christian, and fit in with America like they never can, all because of the color of their skin.

We can be better than this; we must be better than this. So I ask my family to consider the actual, lived-in experiences of the people of color who are saying racism is real and it doesn't need your participation to continue. All it needs is your silent complicity and personally clean hands and conscience.